if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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