i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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