Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
