I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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