Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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