Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
