just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
