I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
