As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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