when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had to cum in my sink.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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