Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
