she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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