look no pants
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am midnight drunk by noon
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
