I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
