Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
