Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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