apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
