Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
