Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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