WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
