I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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