I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
