i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you didnt know i had herpes?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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