i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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