I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
