Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
