hotel room ftw
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
