i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
