I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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