I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
