We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
