i can't believe i had my finger in that
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
