She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
