so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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