You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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