apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
