Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it wasn't lemon gatorade
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
