she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
