it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
