Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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