I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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