He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
