If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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