why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
