Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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