So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
