i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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