He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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