i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Banned from zoo.
Again?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
