Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
