Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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