Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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