JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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