i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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