I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
