Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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