I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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