I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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